Ghosting Sucks!

Intro

Ghosting. Just hearing the word can trigger memories of unanswered texts, unread messages, and that sinking feeling that leaves you wondering, “What went wrong?” It’s a modern dating reality, but what many don’t realize is that it does more than just sting — it can leave real psychological scars. The phenomenon of ghosting often leads to feelings of rejection, confusion, and low self-esteem for the person on the receiving end. But why do we ghost? And more importantly, how can we break the cycle of this unhealthy behavior?

The Psychology of Ghosting

Let’s break down why ghosting hits us so hard. According to research by the Gottman Institute, the human brain is wired for connection, and when that connection is abruptly cut off — especially without explanation — it creates an emotional wound. Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer PhD explains in Psychology Today that studies¹ using fMRI technology show that social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain — which is why it “hurts.”

Vilhauer goes on to explain that ghosting deprives us of social cues used by our social monitoring system to make sense of our relationships with others. When you’re ghosted, the ambiguity leaves you in emotional limbo. You’re left wondering if you did something wrong or if you simply weren’t enough. These lingering thoughts can lead to lower self-esteem and a negative perception of dating as a whole. In extreme cases, the psychological effects can resemble those of grief or trauma, particularly when ghosting happens after an intense or meaningful connection².

What’s worse, repeated experiences with ghosting can make us cynical about dating, creating a vicious cycle where emotional unavailability becomes the norm. And in a world where dating already feels like navigating a minefield, this cycle can make genuine connections feel out of reach.

So, why do people ghost in the first place? Well, it turns out it’s often an avoidance mechanism — an easy way to dodge uncomfortable conversations or emotional vulnerability. Many people lack the communication skills to navigate these conversations with care. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s the right way to handle things.

Social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain — which is why it “hurts.”

How to Cope if You’ve Been Ghosted

Let’s face it: being ghosted hurts. But it doesn’t have to break you. Here are a few steps you can take to feel better and move forward with confidence:

1. Don’t Take It Personally. Easier said than done, right? But remember, ghosting says more about the person doing the ghosting than it does about you. It often reflects their fear of confrontation or emotional immaturity — not a reflection of your worth.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel. It’s okay to feel hurt, confused, or angry. Those are all valid emotions, especially when you’re left without closure. Let yourself process those feelings, but try not to spiral. Journaling or talking to a dating coach (we know some!) can be great ways to get your emotions out without letting them consume you.
3. Reframe the Experience. Instead of seeing this as a rejection, try to reframe it. Being ghosted frees you up to find someone who’s truly ready to meet you where you are. Relationships built on mutual respect and communication are worth holding out for, so take this as an opportunity to redirect your energy toward something better.
4. Focus on Your Own Growth. Recharge your emotional battery by doing something you love that elicits a positive emotion, i.e., powerful, calm, happy, sexy, etc. When you’re feeling refreshed, reflect on what you’ve learned about yourself and your needs in a relationship. What are your non-negotiables? What can you work on to ensure you attract partners who value connection and respect? This reflection builds self-awareness that will help you heal and guide you toward healthier future relationships. Gottman Institute research supports that personal growth and reflection lead to stronger, more fulfilling partnerships.
5. Stay Optimistic About Dating. It’s easy to become cynical after being ghosted, but remember that not everyone dates this way. There are many people who are capable of clear communication and emotional vulnerability. Keeping a positive mindset will make you more likely to find those individuals and build the kind of connection you deserve.

The Flip side: Why Shouldn’t you Ghost?

Avoiding ghosting is not just about being kind to others — it’s also about self-growth. The ability to communicate difficult feelings with respect and clarity is a sign of emotional maturity, and that kind of self-awareness benefits you in more than just dating. It extends to friendships, family relationships, and even the workplace. Perhaps unsurprisingly, emotional maturity is core to building a healthy relationship³.

Avoiding ghosting is not just about being kind to others — it’s also about self-growth.

Thinking about ghosting? Try this instead…

So, what can you do if you realize a budding relationship just isn’t working? It’s easy to ghost, but let’s be real — it’s also lazy. Instead, try practicing clear communication. Next time you feel things aren't clicking, here's an easy script you can keep handy:

“Hey [insert name]. I enjoyed meeting you. I don’t think we’re a romantic match, and wish you the best in your dating search.”

It’s simple, honest, and leaves the other person with closure, which is a lot more respectful than disappearing into the void. People will appreciate your candor. You might even feel good about being brave enough to speak up!

Final Thoughts

Ghosting may be common, but it doesn’t have to be the norm. By choosing clarity over silence, you contribute to a dating culture where respect and self-awareness take center stage. So next time you feel the urge to fade into the background of someone’s messages, remember this post, send that respectful text, and keep it moving.

At Thread, we believe that connection is the most rewarding part of the human experience. Our dating coaches, with backgrounds in psychology and behavioral science, are here to help you navigate the complexities of modern dating with empathy and self-awareness. Ready to grow? We’re here for you.

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Citations

1. Kross, Ethan, Marc G. Berman, Walter Mischel, Edward E. Smith, and Tor D. Wager. “Social Rejection Shares Somatosensory Representations with Physical Pain.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America 108, no. 15 (April 12, 2011): 6270–75. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1102693108.

2. “Why Ghosting Hurts So Much | Psychology Today.” Accessed October 8, 2024. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much.

3. “Signs of Healthy Relationships.” Accessed October 8, 2024. https://www.verywellmind.com/all-about-healthy-relationship-4774802.

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